I just returned from a trip to the USA, this time it was Florida. And bearing in mind the subject of Clive Gammons article this month, I have to get in quickly and tell you that every penny for that trip came out of my own pocket! I'm sure that's dispelled a few illusions!

Anyway, it was a great trip, I caught a few fish and I had a few laughs. I love those people! Our American cousins never cease to amaze me with their wit at inventing new words and terms. Some of the more recent ones I heard on this trip include persons who were referred to as the 'seagulls' and others who are 'mushrooms'.

'Seagulls' are often people in power, managers for instance who, apparently, come in, scream loudly for no reason, crap all over the place, and then fly off. The people that have been crapped on are described as 'mushrooms'. A 'mushroom' is someone who is kept in the dark and fed a load of crap.

I am a mushroom, without a doubt. I decided this years ago - although I never knew I was a mushroom, I thought I was just an ordinary British citizen. But when it comes down to it, what's in a name?

The current foot-and-mouth fiasco has demonstrated yet again that the seagulls (politicians and media agenda-setters in this case) have been at it again whilst us poor little brown-caps in the streets are being spoon-fed in royal style.

Except that we are not all button-tops are we? Or ceps, oysters or morels. We all started out that way but experience has taught us that paranoia is a sensible reaction when 'they' are obviously after you. 'They' being the seagulls of course. No, a lot of us little fungi have developed guano immunity. This has possibly something to do with our psilocybin enhanced genes but is more probably down to the thick-skins we have grown to protect ourselves from the continual bombardment.

Please correct me if I am wrong. As I understand it, we are slaughtering vast numbers of creatures and burning or burying the carcasses. Yes? This reaction is exactly what is expected when confronted with an epidemic of plague proportions which could wipe out humanity. But f&m isn't really like that, is it? It's a disease which some creatures catch, which they then mostly recover from. And which is totally harmless to humans. And we are chucking these creatures in the bin? Destroying them?

Erm, 'scuse me, but Why?

Squawk!

Butů If humans can't be affected by f&m why don't we just let it be? And then get to it and develop a cheap f&m vaccine (and if that's too expensive then nationalise the drug cartels, sorry, companys, manufacture it at cost price and sell it to the rest of the world at an affordable price. Yes it will make a profit, ever seen a poor drug cartel? Sorry, I mean company don't I? Oh. I don't? Whatever.) Or, if economic problems of the 'international trade' sort dictate that the sick creatures have to be put down, why not let the creatures recover, then slaughter them, freeze the meat and sell it off at half price to the mushrooms who live here to consume. Yes, half price. We'll buy it, we're not stupid. We bought meat with CJD risks for years and we even eat kebabs from Stavros' old place near the chip shop.

Squawk!

Oh. Is that where I am going wrong? So it's not about health or safety then? It's about money. Well, what a surprise. So that's why I can't go fishing?

Squawk!

I see. Well. Thanks for the dis-information Mr Seagull.

I can remember when the seagulls were called 'bulls'. In those days we called a spade a shovel, because we needed them. We still do, nothing has really changed. Today it's just the colour of the political crap that's altered. It's still as thick and constant a stream as ever.

So if you want to go fishing, leave the country. Forever, or until the seagulls come to their senses. I recommend Florida.

Not much of a fishing article really, was it. Sorry. But it weren't really bad, not when you consider it was written by a mere mushroom.